The end of pretending & why rediscovery matters

🕒 Reading time: ~14 minutes

• I spent years performing competence while running on fumes.
• Saying “yes” to keep the peace (short-term energy saving coping mechanism) cost me sleep, health, and self‑respect.
• Rediscovery began when I stopped pretending to be “normal” and named my wiring: spiky cognitive profile often called double- or tripple exceptional.
• The fix wasn’t “try harder”; it was build a microsystem that fits my brain and body.
• Today I design life around energy first and I show up better as a son, father, partner, colleague and human.

The years of pretending

I was good at passing. Good at grades when motivated, good at work when the problem was real, good at appearing fine when I wasn’t. The script was simple: smile, deliver, say yes, keep moving. It worked, until it didn’t.

As a kid, I felt out of sync with what adults thought I should enjoy. Long museum days that were nourishing for them were overload for me. I craved forests, table tennis, cartoons with other kids, and long stretches of unstructured play. I learned early to override my needs to avoid conflict.

As an adult, I kept doing it. In interviews I played the game. In meetings I sat through status theater while my brain tried to chew off its own arm. I said yes to “just one more thing” because no felt dangerous. People saw a high‑performing man; they didn’t see the cost.

The cost looked like this:

• Sleep sacrificed to anxiety and late‑night catch‑up
• Shutdown evenings where even a shower felt too far away
• Irritability toward people I loved
• Numbness at work and at home; excellence without meaning
• Intrusive thoughts during a collapse that told me something had to change, now

I wasn’t weak. I was mis‑designed for the system I was in.

The breaking point → the naming

The turning point was choosing curiosity over pride. I pursued a psychotherapy that guided me towards ADHD & autism assessments and the professional WAIS‑IV cognitive evaluation (usually called IQ test). The results explained everything: a spiky cognitive profile—islands of very high ability and valleys that need scaffolding. Twice‑(2e) or Thrice-(3e) exceptional. Debater‑style mind.

It also explained the contradictions people used against me: “How can you be so strong in X and struggle with Y?” Answer: I’m built that way. A formula one engine is useless on gravel without brakes that fit.

That naming ended the pretending. Not overnight, not perfectly but enough to start building a life that matched reality.

The rebuild: from performance to alignment

I stopped trying to win at a game that wasn’t built for me and started designing a microsystem that is.

Energy before time.
I budget energy like money. If a day costs a lot (presentations, travel, solo childcare, depleting socialising), the days around it are buffered. I plan outcomes in sprints, not hours.

Sleep as a boundary, not a suggestion.

• Fixed lights‑out and wake‑up; Non-sleep deep rest, hypnotic music or a short nap when I’m in debt
• Morning walk to clear rejection sensitivity fog and generate ideas (immediately noted on my mobile phone)
• Less stimulant noise (tea over coffee), hydration that doesn’t wake me at night
• Asynchronous communication and little screens in the evening and early morning; Do Not Disturb is standard

Work with dopamine, not against it.

• I start with curiosity prompts: What am I trying to learn?
• I keep a dopamine menu for 5–10 minute resets: stretch, music, quick tidy, cold showers
• I constrain: one problem, one page, one next step
• Use emotionally regulating music (e.g. Chopin nocturnes or rap in mother tongue that resonates well with my current mood)

Boundaries that hold.

• “I don’t have the bandwidth to do this well.”
• “Would you like solutions or just to be heard?”
• Fewer groups, deeper ties. I choose low‑noise life on purpose (no extra high‑maintenance obligations if I can avoid them).

Parenting, with margins.
I need more regeneration, structure, and help than people expect. When those are in place, I’m the father I want to be: present, patient, playful. The first time I spent a whole day with my child and ended it energized instead of empty, I knew the rebuild was working.

Why rediscovery matters (especially for men)

Men are trained to be useful first, honest later. Keep producing, keep steady, keep quiet. But if the machine we’re running is the wrong machine, “keep going” only gets us lost faster.

Rediscovery matters because:

• It turns self‑blame into system design.
• It turns masking into matching, choosing contexts that fit.
• It turns over‑functioning into sustainable contribution.
• It gives our families the best of us, not the leftovers.
• It teaches us that in case of need we need to put oxygen mask on our face first and later on the other people (even loved ones), like in aircraft.

This isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about aiming your capacity where it belongs and refusing to pay in health for admiration you don’t need.

What changed for me (in real life)

• I ask for outcomes, not hours. I deliver in focused bursts and don’t apologize for rest.
• I stop when the battery hits red; I don’t argue with biology.
• I design quiet into my week and joy into my parenting.
• I treat silent desires that come to my mind like cigarettes, other cravings, and irritability as signals time to rest, not to push. I try to avoid them because they disturb essential communication between my body needs any my mind.
• I choose environments that reward insight over conformity and I say no to the rest.

The result isn’t perfection. It’s alignment and sustainable functioning. Fewer crashes. More honesty. Better work. More love.

Try this (a one‑week experiment)

1. Stop‑Pretending Inventory (15 min).
   List three places you perform to keep the peace (work, family, social). For each, write one boundary sentence you’ll try this week. Example: “I can’t take that on and do it well.”
2. Energy Audit (20 min).
   Mark your last seven days with + / – / = by energy. Check VALUE = BENEFIT - COST. What patterns jump out? What can you drop, delegate, or redesign next week?
3. Sleep Anchor (7 days).
   Pick one: fixed bedtime, morning light, or non-sleep deep rest rituals. Do it daily. Notice changes in mood, irritability, and clarity.
4. Consent to help (every day).
   Before giving advice, ask: “Would you like support or ideas?”

🦊FoxMind.space

This is a space for people who are tired of performing and ready to come back to themselves.

If this spoke to you, feel free to share:
What did “ending the pretending” mean in your life?
Was there one boundary that made everything clearer?

All thoughtful voices are welcome, please check the Community Code before commenting.

🔥 Inner Circle
With gratitude to ZJ BLACK, the first member of the FoxMind Inner Circle.
This early trust helps keep the campfire lit for thoughtful, independent work.

Next up: What is spiky cognitive profile + debater personality (My Lens)
New posts every Sunday (CEST).